


The strangest and gayest secret santa exchange

by XaverianQueenChrissy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Christmas Party, M/M, Memes, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, The Lord of the Rings References, Ugly Holiday Sweaters, so many memes, tolkien nerd iwa-chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 06:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5406809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XaverianQueenChrissy/pseuds/XaverianQueenChrissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanamaki Takahiro has been hosting the Christmas party for years now, and each time the Hanamaki residence witnesses more and more homosexual activity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The strangest and gayest secret santa exchange

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gnetophyta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gnetophyta/gifts).



> Well this was a shitpost and a half. I tried incorporating multiple prompts into one, and this is what happened. I know next to nothing about lord of the rings, so dont worry if you dont get the reference.
> 
> By the way, the mentioned sweaters actually exist.

“You know...we did ask you two to wear ugly Christmas sweaters...but this is…” Matsukawa tried to explain with a straight face, as Hanamaki doubled over roaring with laughter.

“Iwa-chan picked it out!” Oikawa whined, picking at the green sweater with a piece of fruitcake on it, embroidered with bold rainbow letters spelling “FRUIT CAKE”.

“We decided we were going to buy each other sweaters for the party,” Iwaizumi explained, grumbling over his own sweater which had an alien in a Santa suit slipping down the chimney.

The seijoh volleyball team were holding their annual Christmas party at Hanamaki’s, as his house is the biggest and doesn’t have any nephews running their mouths when someone under 20 pulls out the liquor.

“I am amazed, Iwaizumi,” jeered Hanamaki, clad in a parody sweater of ‘how the grinch stole Christmas’ featuring pepe in a santa hat, “you captured Oikawa’s personality so well in one sweater.”

“Rude, Makki!” Oikawa whined.

“Oikawa’s choice was no surprise, it’s like he doesn’t even know his own boyfriend,” Matsukawa gasped, allowing his ‘Merry John Cena’ sweater to shine when he unfolded his arms to dramatically clap his hands over his cheeks.

“Mattsuuuun,” Oikawa whined, “I looked all over the internet for that!”

“Oikawa-san!” Kindaichi appeared at the doorway, looking very happy to see his senpai. He was wearing a green sweater with Santa reading the newspaper on the toilet across the front.

“Nice sweater,” Oikawa snorted.

“Thanks!” he grinned, “I like yours, too! It looks like you and Iwaizumi-san swapped sweaters!”

Kunimi, appearing beside his boyfriend in a “birthday boy” sweater featuring Jesus in a birthday hat, couldn’t contain his loud snort of laughter.

“You’re saying Iwaizumi-san is a giant fruit cake?”

Kindaichi cocked his head in confusion as the senpai, minus Iwaizumi, burst out laughing.

"You do look yummy today, Iwa-chan~" Oikawa teased, slapping his boyfriend's ass and planting a kiss on his lips before he could cuss him out. 

Kunimi patted Kindaichi’s back before leading him back into the living room.

“Okay guys!” Hanamaki announced, “now that the uber gays have arrived, it’s time to exchange our secret santa gifts!”

Oikawa and Iwaizumi looked appalled at being known as the uber gays but took their spot in the circle anyway with their presents in hand.

“Alright, seeing as it’s my house and I make the rules, I’ll be giving my gift first,” Hanamaki announced, triumphantly handing his present to Kunimi, “Kunimi, I am your secret santa.”

Kunimi wordlessly opened his present with his usually sleepy expression. However, his eyes lit up when he pulled a cookbook from its paper confines.

“1000 ways to bake with caramel,” he read, sparkly eyed. Kindaichi laughed at his boyfriend’s unusually emotive expressions.

“Hey look, a recipe for caramel corn,” Kindaichi pointed out, “we should make some for our next movie night.”

“Movie nights,” Oikawa gasped, placing a hand over his heart, “oh how pure and innocent!”

“Hey now, it could be netflix and chill,” Matsukawa teased.

“Netflix and what?” Kindaichi asked, head cocked in confusion.

"He's so pure!" the third years cooed, all four of them ruffling his spiky hair fondly.

"I'm not a child! I am fifteen! I just don't know what netflix and chill means!"

Kunimi facepalmed, “it means to have sex, Yuu.”

“Kunimi Akira,” Hanamaki clucked his tongue, “talking about such filth and ruining the purity of the last virgin soul on the team, shame on you.”

“Akira and I have sex all the time, though?” Kindaichi responded with an equal amount of confusion as earlier.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi immediately choked on the egg nog they were drinking, coughing violently. Hanamaki thumped them both on the back, while the trio of second years gawk in pure horror.

“Look what you did to your parents!” Matsukawa gasped in fake horror.

“I'm too sober for this,” Watari complained, “Kunimi-san, please just give out your secret santa gift.”

“Gladly.”

The gift exchange went on with only mild blushing from the two first years. Kyoutani got a gift card to the local pet store.

"The fuck am I supposed to do with this?" he grumbled. Oikawa shot him a look that had him retracting his words to utter a quiet thank you.

Kindaichi got a bottle of top of the line hair glue to keep his hair from flopping over like it sometimes does. Kunimi helped him gel it back to life after the third years messed it up with the earlier hair ruffling.

Yahaba got the latest mystery novel, to his delight.

"I've been looking everywhere for this, but they're always sold out!"

Hanamaki and Matsukawa, of course, drew each other’s names, so they gave each other matching meme cell phone cases.

"Bro, you meme so much to me," Hanamaki cooed, smooching his boyfriend after unwrapping his phone case with pepe in a flower crown.

"I'm going to be all ogre you tonight," Matsukawa replied, pulling away to slip on his 'shrek is love, shrek is life' case.

"Why are we the uber gays, again?" Iwaizumi muttered to Oikawa.

"I am so close to kinkshaming," Oikawa warned, causing the two to put the memes away until everyone else took their turn.

Watari got a new beanie, and he happily slipped it over his shaved head. Though it was growing out, he still felt a chill on his head from the bitter December winds. The beanie was warm and fuzzy for those cold winter days.

Oikawa got a mug that says #1 volleyball dad, a gag gift from Kyoutani that he took a little too seriously.

“mad dog-chan, I love it so much!”

“Oikawa...you’re crying.”

"I know, Iwa-chan! I'm just...so happy my son recognizes my efforts."

"When the hell have I been your son?"

"Come give daddy a hug!"

"Ugh."

Iwaizumi was the last person to receive his present.

“Iwa-chan~” Oikawa sang, dropping his present onto the boy’s lap. It was a small box wrapped delicately in silver wrapping with a bow tied perfectly on top.

“There is no way you wrapped this,” he retorted.

“Mean, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, used to his boyfriend’s pouting, before gently tearing off the paper.

Oikawa fidgeted nervously, gnawing at his lip and bouncing his knee as he remembered an important detail he overlooked when he dumped the present into his boyfriend's lap

“Oi, anxiouskawa, you look like you’re about to puke,” the ace paused in unwrapping.

“Your face does look kind of green,” Kunimi added.

“Don’t you dare throw up on my mother’s rug!” Hanamaki threw in.

“I’m not...I-I just…” Oikawa snatched the box from his boyfriend with trembling hands.

“What is wrong with you?” Iwaizumi cried in frustration.

“Just let me unwrap it, please!” Oikawa begged.

“Fuck you, it’s my present!”

“No, I need-”

Iwaizumi tore the paper off while the box was still on Oikawa’s hands, impatient and not wanting to put up with Oikawa’s games. strands of silver paper still clung to the cold sweat on Oikawa’s palms, but there was no denying what it was. Jaws hit the floor all around the room as their captain blushed heavily, holding the black velvet box. Iwaizumi blinked several times, his heart stopping dead in its tracks.

“Tooru,” he murmured, opening the box.

“I couldn’t afford much,” he mumbled, “but since we’re going to separate universities...I just want to know-”

“HOLY SHIT,” Iwaizumi shouted, causing everyone to jump. He thrust the ring into the air, shrieking like a small child.

“IT’S THE ONE RING FROM LORD OF THE RINGS.”

The team glanced over at one another.

“Uh, that’s not exactly romantic,” Yahaba teased.

“Yeah Tooru, get him a proper ring!”

“damn you’re going to look so stupid wearing that nerd ring.”

“Why would I wear it?” Iwaizumi scoffed, “I can’t handle that sort of responsibility!”

“Iwa-chan has wanted this since we were kids!” Oikawa announced, “he gets his romantic gift at home, for you perverts on the team~”

Iwaizumi flushed as he punched his boyfriend in the arm.

“GAYYYY,” Makki and Mattsun cried in unison.

“Hey guys, if Iwaizumi-senpai wants a Lord of the Rings engagment ring-”

“WOA WOA WOA,” Oikawa and Iwaizumi shouted, cutting off Kindaichi.

“Who said anything about proposals?”

“We’re seventeen!”

Kindaichi blushed bright red, “I-I thought…”

“Okay, hands up if you thought gay and super gay were about to be engaged just now,” Hanamaki announced.

To the shock of the couple in question, the entire seijoh team raised their hands.

“Kindaichi did no wrong,” Matsukawa cooed, pulling him into a tender headlock and ruffling his spiky hair.

“Seriously, you two are basically married,” Kunimi pointed out, “it just made sense if things were officiated.”

“When I propose, it won’t be at Makki’s and I sure as hell won’t be wearing this!” Oikawa scoffed, folding his arms.

“He said when,” Watari snorted.

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,” the setter huffed.

“So why did you get nervous and try to snatch back the ring?” Iwaizumi asked.

“Because I wanted to do this but forgot til it was in your lap.”

Taking the ring from his boyfriend, he sucked in a deep breath, and attempted his best Gandalf impression.

“Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool.”

Excited, Iwaizumi held out his hands as he dropped it into his palm.

“What do you see? Can you see anything?”

“Nothing, I see nothing,” Iwaizumi ran with it, to the team’s surprise.

The team looked around at each other in confusion.

“Wait... there are markings. It's some form of Elvish, I can't read it,” Iwaizumi continued.

“There are few who can. The language is the that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.”

“Mordor?”

“In the common tongue it reads ‘One Ring to Rule Them All. One Ring to Find Them. One Ring to Bring Them All and In The Darkness Bind Them.’”

The couple burst out laughing after reenacting the entire scene between Frodo and Gandalf.

“Okay, that would’ve been way cooler,” Iwaizumi laughed, admiring the ring some more.

“Okay nerds, you’ve had your fun, now it’s drankey-time,” Hanamaki drawled, rising from his spot.

"Says the one with an internet meme on his chest!"

“I’m going to need extra shots after whatever the heck I just witnessed,” Kyoutani grumbled, causing giggles to escape from the other second years.

As the team retreated to the kitchen to grab the liquor, Oikawa and Iwaizumi lay curled up next to each other, admiring the ring together.

“Maybe next year I’ll give you a more romantic ring,” Oikawa teased, mimicking his successor’s words, “after all, we’re basically married.”

Instead of smacking his boyfriend or flushing bright red, as expected, Iwaizumi leaned over and pressed his lips to Oikawa’s.

“Merry Christmas, Tooru.”

Oikawa beamed, kissing back happily.

“Merry Christmas, Hajime.”

The two would later find the photo of them kissing on instagram, with Matsukawa holding up a bushel of mistletoe and Hanamaki pelvic thrusting in the background.

Oikawa hit like almost immediately before leaving a very cheeky comment.

 

_alien.setter: “the shire is going to be hot tonight, boys ;)"_

_memefuckr69: "not as hot as my swamp ;)"_

_pepe.son420: "he roars a mighty roar as he fills my butt with his love. Shrek is love, shrek is life."_

_iwaizumihajime: "this is why neither of you got the vice-captain spot."_

_caramelkunimi: "I am kink shaming every single one of you except Iwaizumi-senpai"_

_alien.setter: "Iwa-chan tried putting the One Ring on his dick lol"_

_iwaizumihajime: "THAT WAS YOU, STUPIDKAWA"_

_memefuckr69: "lol"_

_pepe.son420: "lol"_

_caramelkunimi: "........"_

_caramelkunimi: "I'm transferring"_


End file.
